i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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