I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
