So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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