I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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