I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
