Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
