a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
