I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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