Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
