I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
