i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So apparently I’m into choking now
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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