i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
