I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
