I smell stomach acid.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
