Duck Duck Cougar?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
