Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
