You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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