i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
