please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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