i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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