I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
