all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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