My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
