You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
