Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
