I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
