He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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