$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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