Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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