Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
