plz talk dirty to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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