I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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