I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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