I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
