I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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