i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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