roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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