i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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