after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
