i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
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Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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