I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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