return my video game
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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