erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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