Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
