I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
