I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
