for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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