I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
