I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
