I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
