i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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