i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
