I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
