When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
