I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
