Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
