there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
