At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
