i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
