just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
