So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
