Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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