at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
