I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Who wears a wallet chain?!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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