I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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