she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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